HOW TO STAGE A BREATHTAKING REUNION
V.v important. Regardless of whether you are a lady or a man, you’re going to need to find either a dress or skirt or some kind of pirate button down shirt that’s frilly. Floaty. I’m thinking lots of tulle. Ballet. Very Centerstage.
Why? Obviously, when you finally see your reunit-ee, you’re going to run into their arms ala Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing and be spun around as though you are as light as a feather. Obvs, you’ll need the right attire to make this look spectacular. Your smelly, crumb-ridden sweatpants from the plane just aren’t going to cut it. Your partner does not have to be of Patrick Swayze (RIP Johnny) physique, just make it work. If you fall or miss their arms, it’s time to interpretive dance the shit out of that mistake. I once did this on the streets of Seoul with my good friend Lauren. She was Patrick, I was Jennifer, it was heavenly.
|Come to me, Baby|
Photo via Ugly-Crap
There’s nothing like a nice homemade sign to make the person who is coming home feel extra special. Now, obviously, you are going to be holding this up in public for all to see, so I find, the more embarrassing the better. Something along the lines of ‘Welcome Home 3rd Favourite Child!’ or ‘How many STDs did you get overseas?’ (rhymes are extra awesome) Using embarrassing family orientated nicknames is also a good one. My sister still writes me Christmas cards addressed to ‘Fatty-Boom-Choom-Choom,’ which is probably why I don’t let her greet me at the airport. Printing out awkward childhood photos where gender lines are skewed is a winner. Hanging in pride of place in my house is an early 90’s Kodak family portrait where, if it weren’t for the fact that I am wearing a particularly feminine tartan blouse, my parents would have had a lovely little boy on their hands.
|Enlarge + Print = Airport Embarrassment|
Look, I’m not particularly girly. I have a distinct loathing for pink, polka dots, bows and butterflies. I don’t want to talk about your cat. Or your dog. In the words of Foreigner, I’m as cold as ice. But you bloody put on a slow-rock, moving nineties ballad with a good montage of something sad and I’m blubbering like a baby. Embarrassingly, last week, I publicly cried watching a reality TV show wedding on my MP3 in the subway. It was the music, the MUSIC, I swear! So, if you’re looking to ellicit some boisterous blubbering, you better have your boom box ready. It doesn’t matter if it’s not appropriate to the situation, just blast it loud and proud and if necessary, walk in slow motion towards your soon-to-be sobbing target. Some soundtrack suggestions:
I Will Remember You- Sarah Maclachlan
One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey & Boys 2 Men
With or Without You- U2
|Why did you have to pull out the Whitney Houston?|
Photo via My Crazy Crazy Life in Gilbert
Sometimes, there’s all this build up to the moment of finally seeing that familiar face. You run, you hug, you twirl, you fall to the floor dramatically, you laugh, you cry and then……it’s awkward. You realise that actually, you and that family member are fighting cos they said that thing about you at last year’s Christmas Dinner. That actually, you haven’t spoken to this person since 7th grade when you were both eagerly anticipating your boobs growing in. What’s the answer?
BOOZE. Lots of it.
Scrap any sight-seeing or settling in plans and head straight to the nearest bar. Sure, you may have to deal with some awkward chit-chat for the first couple of drinks but after a couple of Jager shots, you’ll be taking a l-o-v-e-l-y stroll down memory lane together.
|The more I drink, the more I like you.|
Photo via Rogues and Gentlemen
I’m off to prepare a mixed tape for a stirring emotional showdown I’m having with a certain someone named Lauren tomorrow. It’ll be my birthday and birthdays come with a whole new set of rules, so basically, I’m expecting nothing short of a parade.